Carly tries her hand at the dating scene in TLV
Every time Carly returns to the UK, everyone expectantly turns to her, tilts his or her head to the side and looks at her mournfully. “So how is the dating scene in Israel?” Harrumph, says Carly to herself. Really, she is trying but she is also happy being alone. And you just cannot so easily pair up. It is just that most of her friends in the UK are paired up and they want that for her. Even the ones in the most miserable of relationships. As a way of telling the world she is happy being single, on her WhatsApp profile she has a sunny picture of herself and the strapline “Singleness is not a waiting room”. A number of friends have liked this sentiment and agree. But still, Carly does try. For the last two years she has been regularly on three dating apps. “Hinge” as you can select for Jews only and still not pay, “J-Swipe” as she has been on this a very long time and it feels comforting to her and finally a new one – “OkCupid” as that is how her friends Wendy and Francis met and she hopes this might be the one for her and the cure for all ills – well the ills of the incessant repeated question of whether there is anyone special in her life. Gosh, she has so very many special people in her life. But nonetheless, she does go on these apps. And for sanity, it is one month using the dating apps and paying for them and then a two-month recovery period on no dating apps at all.
She keeps her information on the apps up to date with recent photos and information – the right amount – no navel gazing necessary but enough facts to explain that she came to live in Israel just before the October 2023 war and speaks no Hebrew. She has tried to learn. Not really very hard, but it all stems back to Miss Garnet. She still remembers where she was sitting in the classroom in her burgundy City of London School for Girls uniform in one of her last ever French lessons before the O level. Miss Garnet, in a very loud voice, pointed with her index finger at Carly, who really was then totally Caroline. All these decades later she freezes at the thought of this embarrassing scenario. The teacher called her just by her surname just to make her feel even smaller. This wasn’t the usual form of address in a girls’ school. She said in a booming, snarly voice “Fertleman, you are not to touch French A Level with a barge pole”. And that was the end of Carly’s ability to learn any languages. She even got the top grade of an A in the French O Level. She wondered why she was banned.
And this does have a bearing on using dating apps in Israel. Many of the men will obviously reply to her in Hebrew. But really Carly cannot manage a relationship other than in English. She will translate with some of the men she has matched with on Google Translate and reply in English. When they persist in continuing in Hebrew when she has been explicit then puff, they are to be ghosted. One of the men she met on OkCupid was born in Spain – Fernando. And he had lived in America for four years. But he wanted to conduct a relationship in English only using Google Translate. This wasn’t going to bode well as Carly is pretty impatient. He was a very nice man and wrote the most beautiful text messages (he fessed up later these were on ChatGPT). He was very romantic and an excellent kisser. But the straw that broke the camel’s back was on the second date where he claims he had given all his money to a friend whose apartment had been hit in recent Iranian missile attacks. But Carly knew something wasn’t quite right. The local government has everything in place to help people like his friend. And it meant Fernando, good soul that he was, came to the second date with only 40 shekels which doesn’t even cover a glass of wine. And really, he lived for four years in the USA with no spoken English. Maybe he just got by in Spanish. Hey ho.
Around the same time as this Carly met a very nice man – Avishay. He had been divorced for a long time and worked as a salesman. He told Carly he was a real sales expert! He could sell just about anything. He was born to Bulgarian parents and really liked to eat in a couple of cafes that cooked the food of his childhood. Also being a creature of habit, he always went to the same café – Alma in Jaffa. This makes an appearance later in this story! Avishay’s spoken English was excellent, although his texting was completely unintelligible – Carly told him he must only leave voice notes.
He was kind and funny and arranged to take Carly on a romantic picnic near the river in Bavli, northern TLV. Then he suggested Carly come to his place for a home cooked meal. It was, by his own admission, the only meal he cooked. Pasta with tomato sauce. So, Carly set off with her trusty dog, Talulah, into the depths of Bat Yam by bus. She went into his apartment. It was all dark and dingy. There were no pictures on the wall, there were cheap, stackable white plastic chairs on the balcony, which was strange, as he was currently working at a high-end garden furniture show room. And in the kitchen. Horror of horrors. The cabinets were clearly falling off, as there were shoelaces tying the cupboard handles together to stop the contents falling on the floor. The pasta was unremarkable (one plastic pot of tomato paste, onion and garlic) and despite having a car didn’t offer to take Carly back. When she eventually arrived home, she ended that one with one of her previously stored text replacement phrases.
As this was dating month, Carly went a bit mad and was reaching out to all manner of people. Ilan seemed very nice. Carly said that she wasn’t keen on all this texting and if he was up for it she’d love to meet him face to face. He was going to be passing through, near her on the way from his home to his daughter and could stop by for a coffee. It had been a night of heavy bombing and only a few coffee shops were open. But the one on her street was. It felt a bit like covid all over again. There was a queue all down the street but without the social distancing. But this was Carly and Ilan’s rendezvous point. Carly always goes on first dates with Talulah as she is comforting for Carly and provides a modicum of safety. Also of utmost importance is that any potential date must like animals. In the words of her son Tobes “People who don’t like animals are red flags to any relationship for me!”
So, she trundled down her street and was overwhelmed by the long line but spotted Ilan. He already had three negative attributes – frizzy hair, mirrored aviator sunglasses and bursting out of his tee-shirt with supersized pectorals. But it wasn’t going to be a long date, so she continued. They decided that the queue would take too long and instead headed off for an iced lolly by the clocktower. But there was an issue. And it is one of the reasons Carly prefers to meet in person. Smell. And boy oh boy was there a bad smell. A combination of fish and sewage. Carly kept wrinkling up her nose, but it would not go away. It followed her from the overly popular coffee shop to the iced lolly shop, to the bench where they sat and Ilan told her what a ‘he-man’ he was whilst eating. He then said he had to go. Carly was delighted as with him heading off, the smell would disappear too. He told her he could swing by on his return and Carly said she would let him know. The moment he was out of earshot Carly sent him the nix/nox text. And breathed a sigh of relief. And she headed home with Talulah. Another one bites the dust. But wait a moment. The smell continued…Carly smelt all over her body and could not locate the area. And then thought he must have thought she smelt and was still prepared to meet again. She went home bemused. On the way into her building, she told her neighbour, Noa, the story of the smelly date. Noa looked at her with her head cocked to the side, in disbelief. Really. Could Carly not work it out? It was the dog who smelt and then Carly remembered her walk that morning. They had walked past all the fishing nets in the Jaffa Port and Talulah had rolled in them endlessly. Carly glared down at Talulah and said, “Bath,” firmly and in she jumped for a major wash and shampoo. Maybe, Carly should have apologised to Ilan but this relationship was never going to work out on account of the three negative attributes.
So back to the drawing board. Another day, another dollar.
