Well in a word. Very. What is it that makes one person confident and another not so, muses Carly? She has such a terrible memory, and she isn’t sure if she has always been this confident. Is it being the oldest of her siblings? Having to fight all the battles against the parents? Or is it being middle-aged? Maybe it is the sort of job that she does that affords her this unstinting confidence. Being a paediatrician does mean she is pretty good at diagnosing health problems in kids. All children from zero to 18. But that doesn’t make her so knowledgeable in other areas and there is a great deal more to life than children who are sick. And actually, very rarely sick, she thinks. Phew. That is good.
Are her parents or siblings so very confident? Probably not. Or her children? Again, probably not. So, this confidence thing probably isn’t a genetic trait. Certainly, she was pretty confident that she wasn’t going to catch Covid at all or if she did, she wouldn’t be very ill from it. She was really rather angry about Covid. Not at all like many people who were incredibly anxious. Like her ex-husband, Ades. Funny how you can live with someone for over thirty years and not have a clue how they would react in terms of their own health to a pandemic!
So, what does confidence bring you? It feels, to Carly, that she knows her own mind. But maybe that is being a woman in her mid-50s. But even if you know your own mind, you could be completely wrong about what is going on in other people’s heads. This resonated with Carly who had clearly got it wrong in her marriage which recently ended. And as her children are forever reminding her, she certainly can’t see inside their heads! Ok then. Confidence doesn’t always equate to knowledge. And being confident may in fact hinder your ability to see what is really going on. And as Carly is always saying to her students; they will never be the most knowledgeable doctors in terms of facts. This is available to anyone who has access to the world wide web. They need to learn how to talk to patients, to be compassionate and work well within a team.
Carly wonders where confidence sits with vulnerability? Carly is a complete and unabashed follower of Bréne Brown. The vulnerability guru. Her talks and podcasts are so meaningful and helpful for Carly. Bréne would argue that you can be both confident and vulnerable and say they were probably inextricably linked. Well Carly thinks that Bréne would say that. How would she know? It isn’t like she is inside Bréne’s head. But she is sure she could find some podcast Bréne has done on this matter. And is Carly actually vulnerable? All this crying and wailing and woe-is-me. The poor, unfortunate divorcee. Maybe this can still sit with Carly being confident? For instance, does Carly only cry when her confidence is knocked? Hell no. As a matter of fact, Carly has always cried. Like a lot. Happy times. Sad times. Just the music from the opening scenes from the film “Love Story” is enough to set her bottom lip quivering. Carly won’t go to funerals as she cries more than the main mourners, and this could be seen as a trifle overwhelming for everyone. And particularly for Carly who really isn’t sure why she is this sad.
Does confidence equate with leadership, considers Carly? Certainly, now Carly has a number of leadership positions. It is to be expected at this stage in her career. Taking various leadership roles has allowed Carly to develop and be exposed to many different people and exciting ideas. Excitingly for Carly, as it means she can go on courses to develop these skills and meet even more people and ideas! She does love to go on courses so very much.
Carly is one of the wise-old-birds in her paediatric department. A sort of exuberant leader. She reflects up this. But as it says in some religious old saying. If not now, when? Carly has found that this is the title of a book by the amazing writer and man Primo Levi. And joy of joys. The internet. Here is the whole saying.
הוּא הָיָה אוֹמֵר, אִם אֵין אֲנִי לִי, מִי לִי. וּכְשֶׁאֲנִי לְעַצְמִי, מָה אֲנִי. וְאִם לֹא עַכְשָׁיו, אֵימָתָי
He [also] used to say: If I am not for myself, who is for me? But if I am for my own self [only], what am I? And if not now, when?
Carly rather likes this phrase. Shame, as nearly always, it is about a man and not a woman…
She wonders if her confidence is to do with her high energy levels? Or is it to do with her extrovert nature? Maybe being confident is the sum of these two aspects of her personality? For sure Carly is an extreme extrovert and needs lots of people in her life to feed off their energy. Carly often conflates or rather confuses extroversion with confidence. But the two are completely separate. And being an extrovert and confident with fantastically high energy levels does mean that she experiences extremes of emotion a lot of the time. She lives life to the full and others can feel worn out and dismayed at her passion and drive. She feels she is at a crossroads. Lots of people have felt like that during the pandemic. Time to consider what is important. Particularly fundamental core values, friendships and relationships, how to conduct yourself and how this relates to the ability of others to both manage and interact with Carly. Even this last paragraph feels overwhelming. Like a written manifesto of a campaign. The homage to who Carly is. Her essence and core.
Carly does worry about the overbearing effect she may have on others. It can be tricky enough for Carly to be Carly without having to worry about the sensibilities of others. And for sure, others do feed off this energy. Sometimes they actually drown in it. And sometimes it can be difficult for Carly to see what it is that crushes these others. Maybe they are just too scared to say. Because in addition, Carly is quite scary. They don’t always say, but just slope off. But Carly isn’t short of insight. She knows pretty well when others have had enough of her. She hunkers down and slopes off herself. If she isn’t sleeping, Carly invests a lot of quiet time into crafting. Or doing yoga. And she goes on writing retreats where you are helpfully “forced” to be silent until lunchtime. All this helps to allow others to have a break from Carly. It isn’t that uncommon for Carly herself to have a break from all that is Carly!
Another thing. Carly is very confident, but not all that secret. She wears her heart on her sleeves and overshares with pretty much anyone indiscriminately. TMI – too much information – her children reprimand her regularly. But of course, like others, Carly has a few secrets. And because Carly is probably overconfident with many aspects of her life, there are quite fundamental aspects where she is not at all confident. But as that is personal and private, Carly isn’t going to share what that is. At all. Well, not with Uncle Tom Cobbly and all!
