Is Carly scary? Well now. That is a question. Clearly not the question. Also, this can hardly be The Question. That is more about the meaning of life and much more existential enquiries. But certainly, being scary, is something to consider. Carly has thought about whether this is a true statement of fact, or a malicious fabrication over the years. To be honest, she hasn’t come to any sort of conclusion. The jury is out. Really this isn’t significant enough to go to a court and be heard by a judge. Mentioning juries is just a phrase or expression people use. Phew, thinks Carly. Got off that one. Whenever she hears a police siren, she is convinced they are out to catch her. No particular rhyme or reason. Just her guilty nature. Oh, and being naughty in general, for a considerable amount of time.
So back to the question of whether Carly is scary. Well, a friend just phoned her. And Carly put that question to Agnes. Is she, Carly, scary? “In a word, yes” replied Agnes without hesitating or even drawing for breath. Agnes didn’t have any more to add on the subject. She wouldn’t have done very well on the Just-a-Minute radio quiz. But this wasn’t radio. This was real life. And Carly reflected on her friendship with her foxy silver haired divorcee friends. She fondly remembers the last day they all met. Gosh, that was a memorable day. It was the last night Carly spent in her marital home. The day before the house was sold and she went to India on her four-month sabbatical. Earlier in that day, she had gone to get her orthodox Jewish divorce known as a Gett. There was lots of law and writing on parchment and rabbis. For sure they weren’t scared of her. Maybe overwhelmed by her crying. It was relentless and torrential. However, on reflection, Carly was glad there was some sort of physical ceremony to mark the end of her long marriage. Not just an email pinging into her inbox to mark the Decree Nisi and Decree Absolute, as it did for her civil divorce.
Back to the evening with her friends: Agnes, Elspeth and Isla. It was held as a celebration of women together. They all worked in health, and they all had kids. Isla one, Elspeth two, Carly three and Agnes four. Carly liked the pattern in this. The theme for the food was cucumbers and figs. Carly was hoping the phallic imagery is not lost. They sat in the now bare kitchen, as the packers had been there all day loading up their lorry to put Carly’s stuff in storage. They had left behind the garden table, four chairs and a few pieces of cutlery and crockery. It felt like a cathartic time to have a themed last meal. It was lovely and enjoyed by all.
Carly was a bit overwhelmed the next day - what should she take to India or leave behind and put into storage. So, she filled up three huge bags to take with her to Delhi. Now that really was silly. But Carly felt she was invincible and could go on the tube and change lines to get to Heathrow. But however scary or determined Carly is, she still only has two hands. At King’s Cross when changing tube lines, the third bag trundled down the escalator and nearly crushed someone who had the misfortune to get on the escalator after her. At that moment Carly was mortified and pretty scared herself. Certainly sheepish, and not the least bit scary. She asked for help on the platforms subsequently and eventually made it to the airport with all her luggage.
Carly has found a real knack for moving away from answering the question that has been set. “Is Carly scary?” Maybe she just doesn’t want to face her demons? Maybe she is too scared herself to face the real truth. No. come on. That would be ludicrous. For anyone to be scared of themselves. Yes, mused Carly, you could be scared of what you might do if goaded or compelled to act in a dangerous or foolish way. But Carly is a middle-aged woman of at least some sense. She is pretty good at knowing when she is having her cage rattled. She can put in measures to stop herself. Like trying to be mindful or walk away. When she is with her new boyfriend (‘not-so-new’, he says!), David, and feels something needs to be discussed, she takes her lovingly created talking stick and launches forth on the topic bothering her. Whilst holding the stick, David has to be silent and actively listening to her. She relishes the ability to get all the issues out on the table without interruption or assumptions being made. When you are angry or upset about something, it can be hard to focus. And Carly is no different. So, she has put things in place to contain herself. So, this answers the question of whether Carly is scared of Carly. She is not.
But are others scared of Carly? And if they are scared, is it a little or a lot? If it justified or not? Could she rank the level of how scared they are? Are they a little afraid of her, or terrified? Maybe they are aghast, shaken or petrified? Or just anxious, fearful or … golly gosh. There she goes again. Wandering off from answering this question by providing alternative words for scary she found in the thesaurus. This is a clear and unadulterated delaying tactic. Once she gets to 1500 words, she can end this story. But she’s not there yet.
So, who is scared of Carly? And why, when and where? Context is always important when asking tricky and possibly vague questions. Maybe she isn’t scary at all. She puts on an armour to protect with “’inner mushy Carly who cries all the time”, with an external protective layer. A coat that says “keep out – trespassers will be prosecuted”. It is self-defence. Yes, thinks Carly. That is it.
But sometimes Carly uses being scary at work to her advantage. She is a paediatrician and sees lots of children with functional symptoms. Sometimes they are called medically unexplained or psychosomatic. But either way these children often have headaches or abdominal pain because of anxiety. Carly explains this to the children using crying and laughing as analogy of physical, bodily things happening in response to an emotion or feeling. Then she asks them if they have their symptoms at that moment in time. And if they say they do, she says: “Of course you do”. Coming to see doctors is anxiety provoking. And in particular, she herself is scary. She says this with a wry smile and a wink. Mostly these kids get it and smile. In fact, they nearly all do.
But once Jen, a girl of 14, came to see her with tummy pain. Carly gave her and the family the spiel about how 85% of children with these symptoms have anxiety as the cause. The patient Jen was busy nodding away. The father was having none of it. He jumped to his feet and towered over Carly and his daughter. He gripped the back of the chair with his knuckles getting paler and paler. He spluttered out in fury that there was nothing in his daughter’s life to make her anxious. All the while, Carly watched this and raised her eyebrows as if to say that it wasn’t his place to say this. Only the daughter caught this. Carly felt really sorry for Jen, her patient, but she had done all she could. In that situation, not only did Carly feel scared of this misguided and unreasonable father, but she was worried about the daughter, Jen. But Jen gave Carly a look to say that her father was overly protective, and he often behaved in this way. But Jen felt he was not at risk from him. All this from non-verbal communication! Amazing what humans can do with their looks. Interestingly, years later, Jen presented as an adult with headaches. She was only allowed to go to college close to home, so her father was still very much in control. Carly was rather sad. She felt she had lost Jen’s battle to become truly independent. Harummmmmph thought Carly. Some battles you just cannot win, however hard you try.
Carly cycles back to the original question. Is Carly scary? Well maybe sometimes. But certainly, it doesn’t matter how much she rants and raves on at her kids. They aren’t the least bit scared of her. And that, she considers, is all that matters. Or her cats. They adore her. But maybe that is only cupboard love. The dogs are the same. What her pets really feel about Carly is tricky. But they aren’t scared. For sure.
Booh.
