Carly has been married a long time but now she is getting divorced as she and Ades are no longer compatible. Carly is in a hurry to tell everyone. This is her nature. To rush around and tell everyone everything. She wears her heart on her sleeve and is very busy crying and being miserable. Carly and Ades decide they are going to tell their children first. And with all of them together after a weekend lunch. But their children decide to have a row. About politics. Grrrrrrrrrrr, thinks Carly. She really cannot abide politics and here it is screwing things up for again for her. She has had to endure endless soliloquies by Ades at every meal about politics. He feels it is a broad topic that appeals to everyone. Carly doesn’t agree. It isn’t that she wants to talk about her hobbies or even hobby horses. But she zones out when Ades drones on about politics. Her sons humour him and are willing to discuss these issues. Her daughter is less interested. Anyway, back to the divorce. In terms of telling the children, Ades would rather wait. As always. But Carly has decided that today is the day and so it will be. Before one of their children storms off to their bedroom Carly says that they have something very important to say to them. Ades then dives in. Actually, he isn’t really a diving sort of person. Carly is. Ades just clears his throat and begins.
Firstly, he tells them they are getting divorced. Carly supposes that as he is a lawyer, the hard facts are best. None of dressing it up and saying they are having a trial of separation. When they aren’t. Facts trump feelings. Hmmmmmmmmmmm thinks Carly. Maybe she should have done the telling? But she felt he might say it better as he is a lawyer. Second up, he tells them neither of them have had extra-marital affairs. This means that the children aren’t more annoyed with one parent than the other. Thirdly he tells them it is not their fault and they both love them all. Fourthly he tells them he isn’t getting any therapy or counselling, so best not to go there. By this stage Carly is nearly bursting. She tells them she will be getting therapy, lots of it and she wants to find someone else who will love her. She wants it to be clear from the outset that she does want to find another partner. The youngest two cry and the oldest runs around comforting them. Then they all go to their rooms and hide in their beds as is usual for teenagers. Everyone is pretty wiped out.
Later on, that afternoon, Carly suggests that she goes on a cycle with her daughter Boo who is the youngest. Off they go, pedalling like fury. Boo has obviously thought about the situation and wants to discuss three things with Carly. In fact, they are more like demands as this seems like a good time for Boo to get the outcomes she desires. This is a clever strategy considering Carly’s fragile state. Carly is a bit bemused as she erroneously thought Boo might be delicate. Not at all. Yet again, she got that wrong!
Firstly, Boo tells her Carly cannot become a lesbian. Carly thinks seriously about this suggest but cannot commit to that. Well not yet. She hasn’t even given it much thought as, till now, she has never fancied any women, but she doesn’t want to decide at this very early stage of separation. It maybe rather nice to be a lesbian, muses Carly. Or maybe bisexual? She really doesn’t know. But for certain she doesn’t want to commit to something now that she might want to revoke later. For sure Boo will not forget her mother’s assurances of her sexuality and then hold it against her and cite it as an example of changing her mind. Oh yes. Yet another instance of poor parenting for her children to remember and note down with the many other examples.
Secondly, she tells Carly she cannot have any hoes in the bed. Carly cannot understand why she would have gardening tools in the bed in the first place? Then she asks Boo for clarification who patiently explains that hoes are people you pay for sex. Why would she pay for sex? She can agree to that demand. Because to be honest, sex is far from her mind at the moment. And actually, is paying for sex so terrible? Hmmmmmmmmmmm ponders Carly. Really, she is very naïve about these matters. She will have to ask around. But maybe in a little while.
Thirdly, she asks Carly if she could please have a seven-year-old stepsister as she did always want a younger sibling (female if possible). Carly is glad to be asked this question but really it is an impossibility. Carly tells Boo to ask her father for that one. Really Carly feels she is done with parenting, and she spends all her time with other people’s children at work. Carly is a paediatrician and doesn’t particularly want other people’s children in her personal life. Certainly not in response to a request for a younger sister by her daughter. That degree of cow tailing to her daughter’s demands feels overwhelming and, in this time of stress, Carly needs to look after herself first.
Carly’s sons unsurprisingly respond in very different ways too. But one thing is for sure. Divorce and lockdown have meant the kids are now closer. Of course, they still fight. A lot. Gosh how tedious, Carly notes.
Carly then talks to her own siblings. Her sister is very supportive and promises to go with her when Carly tells their parents. One brother is very sympathetic and understanding. All his wife’s family are divorced or should be! He knows the ropes and will guide Carly should she need this. Her other brother is horrified. He just doesn’t do divorce. He comes round very soon after the announcement to try and mediate between Carly and Ades. He has a misguided notion that divorce is only bad. Really, he remonstrates with Carly. Firstly, you just need to be nicer to Ades – he did always look up and admire him. And secondly, no one over 50 ever finds another partner. “I’ll show him” says Carly thinking about which dating apps she is going to download first. Carly is very competitive, and she will show her little brother what nonsense he is talking. But maybe she needs to let the dust settle a little first.
Then Carly goes off with her sister to talk to their parents. They are quite shocked to begin with. Then their mother starts talking about religion. And how it gets tricky if a married couple both have different expectations and opinions. Carly can see why her mother is following this particular line but this isn’t the reason. Carly sighs but decides now is not the time to explain this.
Over the next few months Carly’s parents are very comforting and supportive to her. But Carly’s mother remains very concerned about Carly’s impending divorce settlement. She keeps asking who is going to keep the silver. The candlesticks, the cutlery and the napkin rings. Carly’s father says he knows that Carly has been miserable for years. He tells her to get on with the business of getting divorced. Carly listens to them both. Maybe the silver will pay for the divorce lawyers. Some hope. There wasn’t that much silver in the first place.
Carly tries to explain about the divorce to her pets. That really was just plain puerile. Cats behave as they always do. Wandering off when really Carly would like to stroke them. Cleaning themselves for hours. And meowing in the middle of the night to come in or out for no reason other than they can. The dogs aren’t much better. They are just glad to get to go out for walks. Who walks them or feeds them is neither here nor there? For the pets, life isn’t much different.
Carly has lots of cousins. On both sides. Some are happily married, some not and others divorced. Everyone gives their advice. Some of it is useful and some of it is not. Carly has to steer a path so that she is braced by their love and guidance but not overwhelmed by their insistence of her following their advice. One cousin based in New York is really fabulous. He texts her every week on a Sunday for an entire year. This is great. It is lovely to be held in this way. Other cousins take her out to dinner and still other’s wait a while and send messages many months on. This is actually very helpful as Carly can see just how far she has come over time. Still crying but not falling apart anymore. This is good. And time is a healer as everyone knows. Shame it takes so very long. Carly still isn’t very patient!
17 Carly explains to her family she is getting divorced
Carly has been married a long time but now she is getting divorced as she and Ades are no longer compatible. Carly is in a hurry to tell everyone. This is her nature. To rush around and tell everyone everything. She wears her heart on her sleeve and is very busy crying and being miserable. Carly and Ades decide they are going to tell their children first. And with all of them together after a weekend lunch. But their children decide to have a row. About politics. Grrrrrrrrrrr, thinks Carly. She really cannot abide politics and here it is screwing things up for again for her. She has had to endure endless soliloquies by Ades at every meal about politics. He feels it is a broad topic that appeals to everyone. Carly doesn’t agree. It isn’t that she wants to talk about her hobbies or even hobby horses. But she zones out when Ades drones on about politics. Her sons humour him and are willing to discuss these issues. Her daughter is less interested. Anyway, back to the divorce. In terms of telling the children, Ades would rather wait. As always. But Carly has decided that today is the day and so it will be. Before one of their children storms off to their bedroom Carly says that they have something very important to say to them. Ades then dives in. Actually, he isn’t really a diving sort of person. Carly is. Ades just clears his throat and begins.
Firstly, he tells them they are getting divorced. Carly supposes that as he is a lawyer, the hard facts are best. None of dressing it up and saying they are having a trial of separation. When they aren’t. Facts trump feelings. Hmmmmmmmmmmm thinks Carly. Maybe she should have done the telling? But she felt he might say it better as he is a lawyer. Second up, he tells them neither of them have had extra-marital affairs. This means that the children aren’t more annoyed with one parent than the other. Thirdly he tells them it is not their fault and they both love them all. Fourthly he tells them he isn’t getting any therapy or counselling, so best not to go there. By this stage Carly is nearly bursting. She tells them she will be getting therapy, lots of it and she wants to find someone else who will love her. She wants it to be clear from the outset that she does want to find another partner. The youngest two cry and the oldest runs around comforting them. Then they all go to their rooms and hide in their beds as is usual for teenagers. Everyone is pretty wiped out.
Later on, that afternoon, Carly suggests that she goes on a cycle with her daughter Boo who is the youngest. Off they go, pedalling like fury. Boo has obviously thought about the situation and wants to discuss three things with Carly. In fact, they are more like demands as this seems like a good time for Boo to get the outcomes she desires. This is a clever strategy considering Carly’s fragile state. Carly is a bit bemused as she erroneously thought Boo might be delicate. Not at all. Yet again, she got that wrong!
Firstly, Boo tells her Carly cannot become a lesbian. Carly thinks seriously about this suggest but cannot commit to that. Well not yet. She hasn’t even given it much thought as, till now, she has never fancied any women, but she doesn’t want to decide at this very early stage of separation. It maybe rather nice to be a lesbian, muses Carly. Or maybe bisexual? She really doesn’t know. But for certain she doesn’t want to commit to something now that she might want to revoke later. For sure Boo will not forget her mother’s assurances of her sexuality and then hold it against her and cite it as an example of changing her mind. Oh yes. Yet another instance of poor parenting for her children to remember and note down with the many other examples.
Secondly, she tells Carly she cannot have any hoes in the bed. Carly cannot understand why she would have gardening tools in the bed in the first place? Then she asks Boo for clarification who patiently explains that hoes are people you pay for sex. Why would she pay for sex? She can agree to that demand. Because to be honest, sex is far from her mind at the moment. And actually, is paying for sex so terrible? Hmmmmmmmmmmm ponders Carly. Really, she is very naïve about these matters. She will have to ask around. But maybe in a little while.
Thirdly, she asks Carly if she could please have a seven-year-old stepsister as she did always want a younger sibling (female if possible). Carly is glad to be asked this question but really it is an impossibility. Carly tells Boo to ask her father for that one. Really Carly feels she is done with parenting, and she spends all her time with other people’s children at work. Carly is a paediatrician and doesn’t particularly want other people’s children in her personal life. Certainly not in response to a request for a younger sister by her daughter. That degree of cow tailing to her daughter’s demands feels overwhelming and, in this time of stress, Carly needs to look after herself first.
Carly’s sons unsurprisingly respond in very different ways too. But one thing is for sure. Divorce and lockdown have meant the kids are now closer. Of course, they still fight. A lot. Gosh how tedious, Carly notes.
Carly then talks to her own siblings. Her sister is very supportive and promises to go with her when Carly tells their parents. One brother is very sympathetic and understanding. All his wife’s family are divorced or should be! He knows the ropes and will guide Carly should she need this. Her other brother is horrified. He just doesn’t do divorce. He comes round very soon after the announcement to try and mediate between Carly and Ades. He has a misguided notion that divorce is only bad. Really, he remonstrates with Carly. Firstly, you just need to be nicer to Ades – he did always look up and admire him. And secondly, no one over 50 ever finds another partner. “I’ll show him” says Carly thinking about which dating apps she is going to download first. Carly is very competitive, and she will show her little brother what nonsense he is talking. But maybe she needs to let the dust settle a little first.
Then Carly goes off with her sister to talk to their parents. They are quite shocked to begin with. Then their mother starts talking about religion. And how it gets tricky if a married couple both have different expectations and opinions. Carly can see why her mother is following this particular line but this isn’t the reason. Carly sighs but decides now is not the time to explain this.
Over the next few months Carly’s parents are very comforting and supportive to her. But Carly’s mother remains very concerned about Carly’s impending divorce settlement. She keeps asking who is going to keep the silver. The candlesticks, the cutlery and the napkin rings. Carly’s father says he knows that Carly has been miserable for years. He tells her to get on with the business of getting divorced. Carly listens to them both. Maybe the silver will pay for the divorce lawyers. Some hope. There wasn’t that much silver in the first place.
Carly tries to explain about the divorce to her pets. That really was just plain puerile. Cats behave as they always do. Wandering off when really Carly would like to stroke them. Cleaning themselves for hours. And meowing in the middle of the night to come in or out for no reason other than they can. The dogs aren’t much better. They are just glad to get to go out for walks. Who walks them or feeds them is neither here nor there? For the pets, life isn’t much different.
Carly has lots of cousins. On both sides. Some are happily married, some not and others divorced. Everyone gives their advice. Some of it is useful and some of it is not. Carly has to steer a path so that she is braced by their love and guidance but not overwhelmed by their insistence of her following their advice. One cousin based in New York is really fabulous. He texts her every week on a Sunday for an entire year. This is great. It is lovely to be held in this way. Other cousins take her out to dinner and still other’s wait a while and send messages many months on. This is actually very helpful as Carly can see just how far she has come over time. Still crying but not falling apart anymore. This is good. And time is a healer as everyone knows. Shame it takes so very long. Carly still isn’t very patient!
