The song Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes often goes through Carly’s head. It was something she regularly sang to her children when they were toddlers. The other line Eyes and Ears and Mouth and Nose also made her think. Obviously, Carly has other parts of her body that she can talk about. But where to start? Carly does like to be ordered and organised. So here she goes using the alphabet. She then wonders if she has 26 body parts she can talk about? She is sure there is some bone beginning with an x.
This whole quest started off with a knitting adventure. Carly is an expert knitter and likes purple. She had three balls of yarn but no pattern. She knitted a purple yoke that had 4 uses. A shoulder warmer, snood, skirt and breast cover up. A colleague looked at it in skirt mode and laughed. He told Carly it was far too short as she had clearly run out of yarn. Harrumph thought Carly – what would an orthopaedic surgeon know about skirts? Bloody not very much. So, for sure she has a “y”.
So, let’s start thinks Carly. At the beginning which as she knew from Maria in “The Sound of Music” is a very good place to start.
Armpits. Carly has an issue here. Actually, her family do and think she must shave them. But Carly thought why would she be made with such a defect? So, she did a randomised controlled trial. Her left one was lush and hairy and the right shaven leaving the skin silky smooth. She took her clothes off at the end of the day. Voila – no difference in smell. She then wandered around in vest tops and people thought Carly should be incarcerated for only shaving one. Little did they know about her trial.
Breasts. Carly had very big bozonkas. Her brothers called them dangling coconuts. Her sister watermelons. She rather liked them. She could even get her nipples to kiss together side to side. But eventually Carly had had enough. On 21.2.19 (a good day because the maths works [21-2=19]) she had 750 g removed from each.
Chromosomes. Like all humans she shares 50% of her DNA with bananas. Not good as she isn’t keen on yellow. Carly did recently have a genetic test performed by 23andme. This showed she had exemplary genetics. Nothing to worry about. Phew.
Much as she likes dimples, she has none. And pleasingly no dandruff.
Carly has green eyes which look more intense when she cries. And this is a lot. Once when she was going to be a surgeon way back when she was asked what her worst fault was. She was told the standard response is that I never let go of unfinished jobs and carry on till the bitter end. Instead, she replied she cried a lot. The panel were aghast. They asked her how she stopped crying. Easy peasy she said. You look at yourself in a mirror and it became a scientific experiment and hey presto you stop. Unsurprisingly, she didn’t get the job. Surgeons bawling their eyes out? doesn’t go with the territory.
Carly is happy with her face. Well for the most part. Now she has too many wrinkles and uses a special costly serum to keep them in abeyance. But she does like how much expression humans can make with their face. And reminds her teenage children regularly that you use half the muscles to smile compared to frowning. It really doesn’t seem to get through. Carly sighs.
Carly attacks her gums everyday with her electric toothbrush. Then she goes to the dentist who is forever pointing out that she is missing some parts and over doing in others. And this always changes. Poor teeth and gums. Really something you can never excel at. And spending 10 minutes brushing twice a day. Forget it. Carly is far too busy to do this boring business.
Head or heart? Carly isn’t sure which is more important. But then she has to side with head. All emotions do actually come from within your brain and not really from your heart. This is a misnomer. A heart is just a muscle. Much needed and completely reliable. But it doesn’t make her be Carly. This is her head. Phew Carly is pleased she has gone for head over heart.
Intestines. Very important for Carly who loves eating. Top must be chocolate buttons. Really any chocolate. She is out of control when chocolate is available. Luckily, she has intestines well able to cope. Sometimes she spoons in Nutella at night when no one is watching. Do other people do that, questions Carly?
Carly does have some problems with her joints. Particularly her back. Things are better since she does daily yoga but her back still hurts a lot of the time. This is probably because of her sedentary life. She wonders if she would be a good hunter-gatherer. Probably not. She is rubbish with a bow and arrow. Not much better with a gun. Better stick to knitting and being intellectual! Oh, who is she kidding. So pretentious.
Kidneys. Now these are a rather boring pair of organs. She has done a number of renal jobs. But they are predictable, and they aren’t crucial. That is the point of dialysis which takes up so much of your time. You could probably get thought a lot of podcasts. Maybe best to keep them nice and healthy.
Lips are for talking and kissing. This is something that Carly came to quite late in the day. Her friends said it was different with expert kissers. Not teenagers who really had no clue. She also likes to adorn them with lipstick. She applies it like her grandmother. Only to the bottom lip and then pull them both in and smooch around to spread evenly. It works a treat and the lippy lasts twice as long.
Carly doesn’t have a moustache, thankfully.
And she did pierce her nose when she was 53. It was on a whim. Then her daughter told her it was time to change the jewelled piercing, but this wasn’t good advice. She couldn’t manage to replace it. So, she put in an earring for a bit and then found a very thin nose ring. Carly did a survey. Pretty much everyone had their left nostril pierced. She wondered why?
Carly’s ovaries have now packed up. But they did a good job in their heyday. Shame she thought but everything has a place and time. Ho hum.
Sometimes Carly feels her pulse. She really has no idea why. She knows that if she is sentient enough to feel this then she must be alive. Maybe she just wants to remind herself what she learnt in medical school? Actually, she uses it as a way of calming herself down. Yes, that is it.
Carly cycles all over the show and so has a mean pair of quadriceps. This is rather pleasing, she muses. After all, her legs get her from A to B. But they aren’t model’s legs to be honest.
Carly likes to use the correct terms for her fingers. Index, middle, little and ring. On the underground she has always been obsessed to see if people are married and wear a wedding band. This has been for a long as she can remember. Really this is weird but we all probably have silly fascinations we cannot understand or justify.
Recently Carly was trying to overtake a right slow coach on his bike. She misjudged the road and splat went Carly. But she was late and cycled off. Once her black eye had healed, she couldn’t understand why her shoulder still hurt. An Xray answered that question. A comminuted facture of the right humeral tuberosity. Sounded fancy. Bloody hurt!
Carly wouldn’t be without her toes to paint in luscious colours. Shame they are a bit wonky and overlapping now. But she can still easily reach to cut her nails. Phew not too incapacitated yet.
Her uterus has served her well. Hosting lots of embryos and bringing three fetuses to term. Job well done. Thanks, says Carly, gratefully.
Being a doctor means Carly is often looking at people’s veins. This is a throwback to when she often used to take blood and insert cannulas. Carly has nice veins, she thinks, stroking them lovingly.
Carly isn’t so enamoured of her waist. Maybe all women of her age have the same problem. Best not to be too harsh on oneself she contemplates.
The xiphoid process is well known to Carly. When she was in her 20s and working as an emergency doctor, she was in charge of getting sossled patients who were snoring off their hangovers out of the department when the morning team came on. Applying pressure on this area in the chest wall was super painful and she was able to wake them all up. Off they trotted. Carly felt pleased she could do her job effectively.
The yoke Carly knitted using the Japanese pattern Makiko was for keeping various organs warm and started off this whole escapade.
Carly thinks about her fertility journey. First there were eggs and sperm, then zygotes, afterwards embryos and finally fetuses. And now they are grumpy teenagers. But not all the time. And they need to fly the nest and make their own zygotes.
Carly realises that these aren’t all organs, but they are to do with her body. She must look after it and love it till the day she dies and goes into a woollen, hand knitted coffin decorated with purple beads, lace and ribbons. Cool.
