First up was a facetime call with an American Paediatrician but it was really clear during the whole of this time he was just clearing up his inbox and sending out emails. Or maybe he was shopping online? And more importantly, he was not paying Carly the attention she felt she deserved and certainly craved. It was no wonder thought Carly rather meanly, that this man was totally wedded to his work. No wonder his marriage failed!
Next off was a chat with Craig. He was American (again!), living in London with 4 children but working in Israel. Anyway, he was stuck in Tel Aviv so that wasn’t going to be much of a goer considered Carly. Just far too complicated for right now. Carly is very much a right now, in the moment sort of woman. Patience has never been one of her virtues.
Then there was really religious man. He had a long beard and, on the call, sat in front large religious tomes with only Hebrew writing. He had previously been a police office and had not been in the least bit Jewish at all. Now he lived in Southend-on-Sea and was a counsellor. Funny how people can help to sort out others but never keep their own house in order. He had had no contact with his daughter for 17 years. Red flag. No excuses. No thanks.
Next up a taxi driver. Carly was a bit reticent as there would be great deal of difference in education but then colleagues at work reminded Carly that “The Knowledge” required a huge amount of effort and was tricky to pass. So, she gave him a try. He was rather small. But Carly is no giant. The time at the coffee shop passed passably. But he had to go and pay to extend his parking and returned smelling of smoke. Carly’s nose wrinkled demonstrably, and she was clear. Smoking equals a loud and firm NO. Carly has broken her rule of using shouty CAPTIALS. Just in case anyone wasn’t sure. No smokers. At all. EVER.
Then Carly met an Indian Jew. She thought this was a good idea as she had been to India recently and met a number of Jews. It meant there would be something to chat about. Actually, Carly is pretty good at small talk and considers, as a total and extreme extrovert, she can pretty much to talk to anyone, anywhere about anything. But all this dating can be tiring even for Carly. Firstly, she was irritated as he failed to meet her at the allotted meeting point. She’d even given him precise road details. So, she sped round the park to find him. He was wearing a really scrotty, disgusting T shirt. Unimpressive thought Carly. Really? Can someone make so little effort? And more importantly when they went to eat at a café and he sidled up towards her, she moved a little further along the bench until she was sandwiched between the wall and him. This was not going anywhere. The writing was on the wall. A bit like Carly squished up against the wall. STOP!
Then Carly met Simon. He was a really lovely man. He was academic and intellectual. He tried really hard, and they chatted most evenings in the first few weeks that they had met. On the 4th July 2020 which was the first day restaurants were open Carly took the train to the Cotswolds excitedly. She felt like a kid going to a playground for the first time since the winter. Simon wore a purple polo shirt to match Carly’s recently dyed hair. They ate a wonderful meal in the summer sunshine at a superlative gastropub. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Carly thought. Why is his son, Benny, scooting past? After the delicious food they went to the organic farm Dalesford. As they drove in the other car parking next to them was family from northwest London. This was Carly’s first real date since she was 18 and now, she was 55! The teenage kids were mortified with embarrassment, but all the adults could see the funny side of it. Then Carly and Simon returned to his home. Therein lies the problem. Simon kept trying to get Benny to engage with Carly who then worked out what was really going on. Whether by luck or convenience Benny’s mother was going to emigrate to Italy leaving Simon to look after their son who was overweight and pre-diabetic, autistic and so hypermobile he couldn’t walk and had to scoot. No thanks thought Carly. Oher people’s kids are to be seen at work as that is part of Carly’s job as a paediatrician. And her kids were on their way out of the nest. Sorry Simon and Benny. This wasn’t for Carly.
Next, she met Boston. This was a wild and intense romance. They met in person for two full days in London where Carly lived and Nottingham where Boston did. He was given that name not because he was born or conceived in Boston but because this was the name of the consultant obstetrician that was written above his mother’s hospital bed when he was born. Then they went away for a long weekend. It was fun and exciting. But Boston wanted to have sex all the time. Not just once or twice a day. But at least five and when you are 65 it isn’t that quick, and Carly would run out of time to do other things she like to do with her time. It was fun whilst it lasted. Intense and fun. Hey ho.
Then there was Frances. Professor Frances actually. Carly realised we were both medical and they introduced themselves. Oh, he said. I am a professor of cardiovascular science. And Carly said, “I am a professor, too”. He wrote back “how very surprising”. Carly thought this could be taken one of two ways. Really, she couldn’t be sure. Was he actually surprised or not? Grrrrrrrrrr – texting really can be so nuanced it made understanding tricky. Clear communication at all times signalled Carly to herself. She then suggested they meet for a coffee one Sunday morning in Camden. It was tipping down with rain and Carly was wearing her tight dating dress but had cycled. But Frances was 15 minutes late. Cary wondered if he was going to turn up. She looked up and noticed someone cycling past on an old-fashioned bike holding up an umbrella and a large lime green woven bike chain around his waist. He didn’t even get the coffee shop right let alone the time! At least, he had dressed smartly. But he had been economical with the truth. Carly had met Frances on a Jewish dating app. He wanted to be Jewish, but he wasn’t. She didn’t want to pursue things and so never did find out about if he had a foreskin or not. Another one bites the dust.
Carly had been messaging a really good-looking man called Philippe. He was a psychotherapist. A bit scary, mused Carly, wondering if he would be all knowing and all getting it? But Carly has a bit of an obsession with tidying. She likes a tidy house, office and inbox. So, she was busy clearing up her dating notifications and swiped left rather than right when on Philippe’s profile. That was him deleted. There is no recourse here. She tried looking him up on google but the psychotherapist called Philippe in London looked very different! That is the problem when you have OCD with electronic mess and notifications. Carly is only really content with an empty email inbox at both home and work. And for real? OCD. She is allergic to abbreviations. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. There you go.
Sometimes the photos can be so blurry you really cannot tell what they look like. Some don’t even pay for the app at all and so you have no photo. Hopeless, thinks Carly. She did meet someone who she thought might have some rather pointy and sharp features. The reality was even more spikey when she met him. Eyes so deep set you began to wonder if you could ever look lovingly into them. And they were separated from a conk the size of concord. Really this man was not for her.
Then she met David. And is still with him. Well, she was at the actual time she wrote this story. But after a year they parted ways. Interesting it was a difference of opinion about God. A lofty reason but true, nonetheless. Shame as Carly was determined to find someone. And David really was lovely, and their first date was when she had a black eye and unbeknownst to her at the time a broken arm. But it wasn’t to be. Hey ho it was good whilst it lasted and proved that online dating can work!
There were quite a few more exchanges on dating apps that went nowhere. Carly expects this might be to do with Carly not really being good on text. She is worried that she will get repetitive strain injury in her thumbs, and this will affect her ability to knit. And she may or may not end up in a relationship but her affiliation with yarn is sacrosanct. Everyone needs to know this; Carly remonstrates with herself.
